Closure And The Big Owe.
*By the way, in this post I’m using this logic: She believes she deserves closure, so he owes it to her. That’s why owe and deserve are used almost interchangeably.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a long running debate with a friend of mine about the way her relationship ended and the fact she, like many people before her – both men and women – didn’t receive any closure. Essentially, she has no idea what happened. All she knows is that it was all good just a week ago.
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Dude used to be her homey. Now he acts like he don’t even know she.
One of the biggest problems with most breakups that don’t end because of some sort of landmark event – think cheating, spitting on mom dukes, pulling a Kanye – is that one person is always going to end up with more questions than answers.
Why did we break up? What really happened? Why did you just stop calling? Was it something I did? Was it something you did?
Basically, there is a big whiskey tango foxtrot hanging around for much longer than it needs to be. Now the central argument me and my friend are having is that she believes she deserves closure. She thinks that she should have answers to her questions. Even if she already knows the answers (me and others have pretty much told her what happened) she still wants to hear it from him.
For some reason, people always want to hear it directly from the source. We just want to know that our feelings are confirmed so we can justify our pissedoffedness. To them.
Only problem is that I don’t think she is owed sh*t.
Now that might sound slightly coldblooded but the truth is they aren’t together anymore; why should he tell her anything? She’s pissed at him and really, the only reason she wants to know is so that she can stop making up the answers in her head and so that she can probably vent on him. Which is fair, I suppose. Except dude wants nothing to do with answering her questions or answering to her. Once you’re broken up, the ability to scream on anybody is rendered moot. I feel like once you’re broken up, you don’t have to put up with anybody’s anger or unhappiness. Which is why I don’t think she’s owed anything.
Sure it would be nice if he’d fess up to the fact that (it seems) he just decided he wasn’t interested anymore. But nice has nothing to do with what she’s deserved. I feel like you deserve second chances. You deserve warm weather and a shot at success. You deserve ice cream. And if you’re in a relationship, you deserve answers.
Once that last part of the equation is out of whack, well, you get what you get. And most of the time that’s nothing.
Closure is an interesting process. By breaking up with somebody, you get your closure. You’ve closed the door on that chapter for as long as it may stay closed. You are essentially cleansing yourself of a situation that did not bring you joy. But what about the other person? In my mind, once you’re broken up, its the time when you should be the most selfish. What do you owe it to somebody else to ease their mind? Further, why subject yourself to their constant questioning and nitpicking and ultimate, anger, over what you’ve done.
This isn’t exactly what happened with her by the way, she dropped her dude because he started acting like a p*ssy, but it speaks to the larger point. She dropped him because he essentially went AWOL on her in every possible way. She had no choice but she wants to know why he became who he is now towards her. And its become the case of constant pisstivity (thanks to current social networking practices) because she can keep up with him and see him living his life fine while she’s still trying to figure out just what the f*ck happened.
She just wants to know why. And that’s fair. But I don’t think it will add anything to her life anyway aside from another reason to be mad at him. For some reason, most women (and some men) swear that knowing the truth will somehow make things better.
This is not so and never has been the case. The truth only makes the pain shorter in duration. It does not negate the pain.
Anyway, my suggestion? Just let the dude be a p*ssy. But he doesn’t owe her anything.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe everybody is owed an explanation. And I’ve been there before and wanted one, and at the time I thought it deserved it. But truly, that person owed me nothing. We’re not friends now and never will be.
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